Day 20_The Core

Today we're going to revisit a core concept that tends to destabilize us when we feel threatened.

Mistrust. This trust issue is one that definitely takes time. For most people, it takes a lot of time, depending on the situations that triggered mistrust.

The deliberate choice to trust makes us feel stretched. But it's a struggle that's well worth the initial discomfort.

It's not even realistic to think you should have it all down by now. The truth is that you may not be ready to bring down the fortress encircling your heart. It was built because you needed it. But you're not in that situation now. Remind yourself, if you have to, that it's hurting you, not helping you.

You may have to keep reminding yourself to trust that most people have your best interests in mind.

Start there. It's a simple way to open your ears and hear what the other person has to say. In time, the walls of that fortress start to crumble until, eventually, they're gone.

Go to the video icon above and revisit the clip about a boy who had every reason not to trust. Choose what you thought about the clip when you've finished.

When you encounter a situation that tempts you to withdraw or to go the other way and spout off in anger or defensiveness, give the concept of trust a Herculean effort.

Yeah we know how hard it is. We've also experienced how much nastier things can get when we don't do it.

Rather than getting amped up, why not try backing yourself down by asking a question? For example, "Hey, I'm not sure what you mean by that. Would you help me understand you?"

Will you try this approach?

It may be helpful to reverse negative impulses about the idea of conflict.

This begins with switching self-defeating thoughts about arguing with positive ones that make you realize that the nature of conflict is to understand each other better.

If done well, resolution from conflict tends to plant seeds that make trust grow. In turn, love blooms. You feel better about yourself and the other person. Conflict can be used to build up rather than to destroy.

What messages usually play in your head at the thought of conflict?

What would be the opposite of that message that would keep you in the game?

As best you can, try to see the person behind the conflict as a friend, not an enemy.

Friends are allowed to disagree. But because they value their friendship, they'll find a way to resolve their issues and resume being friends.

How much value do you place in treating the other person with dignity even if they disagree with you?

At the same time, if the issue is around a core value, consider talking it out until you both resolve to 'agree to disagree'.

If the situation doesn't get better after that, then maybe it's time to move on. Still, both people deserve to be treated with respect if they decide to move on. After all, you've learned a valuable lesson about conflict and friendship. That may be what this relationship was all about. So you've won. See the experience as a victory to be cherished.

Can you agree to those terms?

Think about it. If moving on is the worst thing that could happen, then there's a lot of room for things to go well between here and there.

We believe there's hope in that thought.

How do you see it?